I'm back here

A familiar position for me.  In the cut, quietly; thinking about my every move, deciding which is the best and which will get the result I'm looking for.  Much like chess, but the pieces are all me, and we all better get to where I want to be.  I have no idea where I am going with this, maybe i have become so good at masking shit that i cant do this writing shit, at least not for everyone to read, i try to begin all smart and shit, insightful and fuckery..when really im just angry, and fuck punctuation, motherfuckers can understand what the fuck im saying..

writers block is such a good title for this shit.  when i was living at a halfway house, i was the most miserable and angry as i have ever been before..i filled up notebooks upon notebooks of shit, some of the best therapy i have ever received. i was down and way the fuck out..got out of a 5 year relationship with the one i thought to be the "one", which perhaps she was, i just fucked that up.

i redeemed myself, crawled out of the hole, barely,  and got by with the hard work i put in, i was determined to never let myself go for anyone else, no one, 

i guess i wasnt too determined, cuz i gambled again, and boy did the chips stack against me in a bad way..in the worst way..

no one to really blame, but me, sure i was lied to, cheated on..motherfucks..shit pisses me off, but if you never get hurt, you can never feel.  like everything in life, with great excitement and fun, danger and pain is almost right behind it, should things go badly...thats fine. i am coming all the better at realizing this..its so important to quickly see the detriment if you let it eat you..

am i scarred forever? well, isnt that what a scar is?..hate takes too much effort, i dont think about you the same way anymore, any of you..when i see you online, or otherwise through another  medium, its like a reminder.."oh yea..i know you...i wonder how they are, but i could really give a fuck"..

my migraines dont need any added triggers..its got enough..

if you died tomorrow..i would just have all the more reason to buy new suit....but in the regards of when people buy workout equipment thinking it will force them to workout.."if i bought this suit, i would have something to wear at the service.." but i'm not going anywhere...i just like a good tailored suit..

first step

i consider myself to be a writer, a very...critical one, especially of myself.  I always wanted to blog when I first learned of it, thought it was a good way to test the waters.  I have found that I am a lot more hidden than I would like to think or say.  I don't use proper grammatical punctuations or even full proper sentences, or more so, i just don't really think it's important (much to learn, I do, I know) but I was always told that writing is an expression, which i guess don't NEED to be told that, but more of an art, like poetry, where proper grammar isn't a must to where its almost non-exsistent in the artsy world.  I just have so much in my head that I would like to "get out" and just share, maybe get some feedback or maybe even help someone through my writing..may the very source of angst be my therapist.